My daughter frequently visits her father on weekends, but what happened this time made my pulse race. Our daughter requested to speak with me over the phone and used our code phrase, indicating that she needed an exit. Here’s why having code phrases is a useful tool for keeping our children safe. My mother gave me a code phrase to use when I was in difficulty and unable to speak up. As an adult, I wanted to teach my baby girl this excellent way. I assumed she could use it to avoid sleepovers or awkward hangouts. But I never envisioned her having to use it so soon.
So yesterday seemed like any other day, or so I thought. My phone rang when I was sitting in my kitchen, finishing my evening coffee. It was Dave, my ex-husband. Our connection, which was once warm and affectionate, had become strained over time.Divorce had a way of doing that, and while we attempted to maintain a polite relationship for the sake of our daughter, Amy, things were frequently uncomfortable. “Hey, Claire,” Dave said hesitantly. “Amy wants to talk to you. She’s been begging to tell you about her day since she arrived.”This caught me off-guard. Amy usually enjoyed her sleepover weekends with her father and rarely contacted me during such occasions. “Oh, sure, put her on,” I said, attempting to keep my voice calm. The fact that Dave sounded off added to the unease that was settling in my stomach. “Hi, Mom!” Amy’s voice seemed as pleasant as usual, but there was something about the way she spoke that I couldn’t quite identify. This was rare for her, so I perked up and listened carefully. “Hi, sweetheart! How is your weekend going? “Have you had fun?” I asked, wanting to keep the conversation light. “Yeah, it has been good. We visited the park yesterday, and I drew some pictures this morning. “I drew a dog, a tree, and I wish I had a blue marker to draw blueberries.” The words struck me like a ton of bricks! There it was—our code word. My heart skipped a beat, and I couldn’t find my voice. Amy had included our “password” in her juvenile talk. When my daughter was younger, I taught her the value of keeping a secret word. It was something she could use if she ever felt unsafe but couldn’t express it openly. “Blueberries” was our word, but I never anticipated she’d actually say it. I swallowed hard and tried myself to remain calm since the word implies “get me out of here immediately.” “That sounds wonderful, honey. I’m on my way to fetch you. Please do not say anything to your father. I’ll speak with him when I get there.””Did you have anything else you wanted to tell me?” “No, that’s it,” she said, her tone still lovely but with a hint of something else; fear? Uncertainty? I couldn’t be certain, but I knew one thing: I needed to get her out of there. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” I said it as casually as possible. “Okay, Mom.” “I love you.” “Love you too, my Amy Wamy.” I heard her laugh as I hung up the phone, my hands quivering. My mind raced as I attempted to figure out what had happened. Dave had never given me reason to doubt his abilities to care for our kid, but something was definitely wrong. I grabbed my keys, having made up my mind. I had to go to my ex’s house to retrieve Amy. When I eventually arrived, I took a big breath before knocking on the door. To my astonishment, it was not Dave who answered, but rather a woman I did not recognize. She glanced at me with both wonder and irritation. “Can I help you?” she said, her tone harsh. “I’m here to pick up my daughter,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “Is Dave home?””He’s just gone out to run some quick errands,” she said, crossing herself. “But Amy is inside. “Who are you?” “I’m Claire, Amy’s mother,” I explained, my patience growing thin. “And you are?” The woman’s expression did not soften. “I am Lisa. Dave has a girlfriend. We’ve been living together for some weeks now.” I blinked, taken aback. Dave never mentioned having a girlfriend, let alone that she had moved in. Why hadn’t Amy mentioned anything about it before? But now wasn’t the time for questions. I had to get my daughter out of there. “Well, Lisa, I just remembered that Amy has a doctor’s appointment early in the morning, and there are some things we need to go through before then,” I told you. “I completely forgot to mention it to Dave.” I’m just going to grab her and bring her back later.” Lisa did not appear convinced, but she did not protest either. “Fine, but I’ll let Dave know.” “Of course,” I replied, stepping past her into the house. Amy was sitting on the couch, her petite form curled up, coloring in a book. When she saw me, her face brightened up, but I could also see relief in her eyes.”Hi, sweetie,” I said, attempting to keep the conversation light. “We need to go to prepare for the doctor tomorrow, remember?” Amy nodded and rose up, holding her book to her chest. She did not say anything as she followed me out of the house. Lisa watched us leave, her eyes hardening, but she did not intervene. I glanced across at my kid as we drove away. “You okay, baby?” I asked gently. Amy initially nodded, but as the tension in the scenario subsided, she began to cry. She attempted to speak between gasps. “Mom and Lisa…” Lisa is rude to me when Dad is not present.””What do you mean, sweetie?” I inquired, my heart breaking. “She says things,” Amy explained, tears running down her cheeks. “She says I am bothersome and shouldn’t be there. She said that if I told Dad, he would not believe me because I was only a child. She told me to stay in my room and not annoy them.” The rage that welled up inside me was almost blinding! How dare this woman, who had no right to be in my daughter’s life, abuse her like this? “Amy, you did the correct thing by informing me. “I’m so proud of you,” I murmured, trying to remain calm. “You don’t have to be with her again if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to your father, and we’ll figure everything out, okay?Amy nodded, wiping away tears with the back of her palm. “Okay, Mom.” When we arrived home, I gave Amy a great embrace and told her how much I loved her. Then, once she had settled into her room with her favorite stuffed animal, I picked up the phone and contacted Dave. He responded on the third ring. “Hello, Claire. Did anything happen? I just got home, and Lisa says you stopped by and took Amy?” “Yes, something happened,” I admitted, unable to suppress my rage. “Amy used the secret word today, Dave. She wanted to leave since Lisa has been saying terrible things to her while you aren’t present.” There was a long pause on the other end of the telephone. “What? That cannot be correct… Lisa would not—” “She did it, Dave. Amy was in tears by the time we got into the car. She was afraid of your girlfriend and didn’t know how to tell you, so she told me the only way she could.” “Claire, I apologize. I had no idea. I will chat to Lisa. This is not okay.” “No, it’s not,” I replied, my tone softening. “However, Amy is more essential. She is the one we should be worrying about.”You’re right,” Dave replied, sounding more defeated than I’d ever heard him. “I will manage it. “I promise.” After we hung up, I flopped down on the couch, exhausted emotionally. This was not how I had envisioned my weekend going, but I was relieved that Amy felt safe enough to use our code word. It was a minor detail, yet it had made all the difference. I determined then and there that my tiny girl needed a phone. I understood technology could be detrimental to her growth, but I figured she could use it to text me and it would come in useful. As I sat on the couch, contemplating on what had transpired, I understood how important it was for other parents to have a similar plan in place. That secret term allowed my Amy to reach out without feeling exposed or vulnerable.It also enabled me to intervene before things went further. However, the code word is more than just picking any random phrase; there are a few crucial principles to follow to guarantee that you select a decent “password.”First and foremost, never utilize common words that may appear frequently in regular discussion. The last thing you want is for the word to be used carelessly, causing unneeded worry. These are words that people can easily predict, such as “school,” “birthday,” and “colors.” It shouldn’t be so evident. Second, if your youngster is old enough to remember, think about using a phrase. A brief, memorable phrase or a combination of two phrases might provide an additional degree of security. It should be something that others would struggle to predict but that your child can readily remember. Phrases include “sunshine forest,” “dancing penguin,” “blue apple,” and others. It’s best to test it to ensure your youngster can remember it readily even under varied conditions, such as stress or calm. Rule three is to role-play scenarios with your youngster. Practice utilizing the code word in a variety of scenarios so that they understand when and how to apply it. This will make them feel more confident and prepared if they ever have to use it. The experience we had was a poignant reminder of how a simple idea can have a large impact. I’m hoping that by sharing our story, more parents will consider creating a code word with their children. It could be just the thing they need in a critical situation.
